I keep thinking about the dinners. I keep thinking about all those nights I saw Mateo get upset at the table and thought it was just a phase. I keep thinking about the $19,000 wedding and Mark’s mom crying and my sister doing the reading.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel right now. I’m somewhere between completely numb and completely furious and neither of those feelings is finished yet. I think I’m writing this at midnight because I can’t sleep and because if I keep it in my own head for one more hour I’m going to lose my mind.

Mateo told a stranger because he thought a stranger would listen. I keep sitting with that. My six year old decided to tell the doctor instead of me. I don’t know what that means about me. I’m not sure I’m ready to find out.