I told the doctor that. I told her about the dinners. She wrote it down.

She asked me where Mateo was most comfortable, whether there were any adults in his life he was especially close to or especially avoidant of.

I told her he loves his grandma, my mom, always has. And then I thought about it more and I said that I had noticed over the past few months that Mateo seemed a little quieter on nights when Mark cooked dinner. I never put it together like that until she asked me. I just thought Mateo was in a phase.

She nodded. She did not react in a way that made me feel stupid for missing it. I think she knew I needed that.

The report was filed before we left the building. The doctor had already made the call. She told me who to contact, gave me a number for a family advocacy center, told me there would likely be a forensic interview in the coming days. She said the word “forensic” so gently, like she had said it to a lot of moms in this exact room.

I had to go back to the waiting room and get Mateo.

Mark was on his phone. Mateo was playing with the fish tank. He had his back to me when I walked in and I just stood there for a second looking at the back of his little head and thinking about what was underneath his hair, under where my hand goes every night, and I had to breathe very carefully to keep it together.

I said we were done and we needed to go. I didn’t look at Mark when I said it. I got Mateo’s jacket and I held his hand so tight he actually asked me to loosen up, that I was squeezing. I said sorry, baby. I didn’t let go.

In the car I said I was not feeling well and we needed to go to my mom’s instead of home. Mark said okay but he was watching me in the rearview mirror the whole drive. I texted my mom from the front seat with my phone face-down in my lap. I don’t fully know what I typed. Something about needing her to take Mateo inside and keep him there.

Mark is not in our home right now. I am not going to write out the details of how that happened because honestly I am still not sure I handled any of it correctly and I’m not ready to defend my choices to anyone. What I will say is that my mom has Mateo and he is safe and he slept in her bed last night and she made him waffles this morning.