She used the phrase “traction patches.” She said they are consistent with someone pulling a child upward by the hair with enough force to damage the follicles. She pointed specifically to the one with the scab and said the scarring indicated this had been happening for at least four months.

Four months.

I put Mateo to bed almost every night. I sit on the edge of his bed and I run my fingers through his hair while he falls asleep because he has always liked that, since he was a baby. I do it without thinking. My hand just goes to his head automatically. I never once looked underneath. I was rubbing the outside of his hair like everything was fine and right underneath my hand there were bald spots from my husband pulling him off the ground.

I don’t fully know how to explain what happened inside me in that exam room. It was not like the movies. I did not start sobbing. I did not yell. I just sat there and I think I said something like “okay” which is a completely insane response but I genuinely could not find any other word. The doctor kept talking and I kept saying okay and I was also thinking about the fact that I had kissed Mark goodbye that morning. He was eating cereal. I had kissed him on the cheek and told him not to forget that Mateo had a doctor’s appointment after school.

He knew about the appointment. He drove Mateo here. He was sitting in the waiting room right now.

The doctor told me she had already photographed the patches as part of her documentation. She said she was legally required to file a report with child protective services. She said this in a very matter-of-fact way and I appreciated that she did not make it a big dramatic speech because I think if she had been dramatic I would have fallen apart.

She was just telling me the facts. She told me the facts and then she looked at me and asked me very quietly if I had ever seen anything at home that concerned me.

And that is the question I keep coming back to.

I want to say no. I want to say absolutely not, I would have known, I am his mother, I have been his mother since before he could hold his own head up. But when she asked me that, something shifted in the back of my mind. Not a big thing. A small thing.

Mateo cries at dinner sometimes. Not always. But maybe twice a week he gets upset at the table and I always just figured it was normal kid stuff, not wanting to eat vegetables, being tired, being six. Mark would get quiet when it happened. I thought the quiet was patience. I thought it was Mark trying not to overreact to normal kid behavior.