He came home that night and he didn’t even fight it. That’s the part nobody warns you about. He just sat at our table, our kitchen, and he looked tired more than sorry. “It started as a mistake,” he said. “Then Maya happened.
And I couldn’t choose.” He kept saying he couldn’t choose, like that made him the victim. Like the woman in the driveway and me were two coats he kept trying on. Maya is one. He’s been living a whole second life since before she was born.
But I’m not telling you all this for the cheating. People cheat. I could’ve survived the cheating, I think. I’m telling you because of the last thing Debra said on that phone call, the thing I made her repeat three times, the thing I still hear when I’m trying to fall asleep.
Lily had been swinging her feet on that booster seat, happy as anything, and she told Debra one more secret. She said, “Daddy says soon we’re all gonna live together. Me and Maya and the other mommy and Daddy. In the blue house.”
Debra waited a second. Then she gave me the rest.
“And then your daughter said, ‘Mommy’s gonna stay in this old house by herself. Daddy says Mommy likes being alone.'”
That’s the whole plan, right there, out of a four-year-old’s mouth. They weren’t going to leave me. They were going to take her. Pack up my baby and the pancakes and the slide and move into the house with the blue door, and leave me in the “old house” where the home mommy belongs. And he’d already told her I’d be fine with it. He’d already made me the kind of mom who likes being alone.
It’s been two months. I have a lawyer now. I have copies of things.
Mark sleeps at the blue house full time and texts me about the custody schedule like we’re coworkers. People keep telling me I’m strong, I’m handling it so well, look at me.
But last night Lily asked me when we’re moving to the blue house with Maya. And I didn’t have an answer. I just said, “We’re staying here, baby.” And she frowned and said, “But Daddy said.” And I sat on the edge of her bed in the dark and realized my four-year-old trusted his promise more than she trusts me being her whole family.
I still haven’t figured out how to tell her there is no blue house for us. I don’t think I’m strong. I think I just don’t know what to say yet.
